Monday, May 28, 2012

On my mind...

There is something that I have been thinking about for a while... and it is something that was brought to my consciousness most recently by Katie's Blog - so check it out. But I don't want to say too much about what Kate said, because quite frankly, me interpreting what she says in a post is just rude and also me explaining her struggles is not my story to tell. BUT anyway. My thoughts on an eating disorder is that it is just a manifestation of something else... like. A deeper problem. Also mentioned in Ruby's recent post. Anyway, so I know this. And as I mentioned a few posts ago, I think we do this to punish ourselves. But while for some people, they hate themselves no matter how much weight they lose. They hate how they look without the weight, they hate the disorder. And what's been on my mind, is that I really don't hate it. I don't feel like it adversely effects my life. I don't get freaked out by going to supermarkets and going out for dinner. Like I fake it really really well. Maybe it's because I know that in order to keep myself like this, I need to be able to fake it. So I can eat a meal with people at a restaurant or go to dinner with people and bullshit my way through it. I also don't get fussed about people noticing that I don't eat. Or telling people to piss off when they start telling me things. If people comment on me saying I never eat, I tell them that I'd be dead if I didn't eat. Like I fire back. Like, I don't give a shit if people think there is something wrong with me, because when it comes down to it, I love the way that I look way more than I EVER did when I was fat. I don't spend HOURS obsessing over my clothes when I get dressed looking which one makes my stomach look the flattest or stressing over muffin tops. I just put on clothes and even though I don't feel skinny enough, I know I am skinnier than most, so it is still fine. I HATED my body before and my ED has made more closer to beauty than I have ever been. And once I reach my UGW and I can see my bones. I will be even more beautiful. I think I am realistic also, because I know that I need to make sure I don't get too thin or they will put me in recovery or force me to eat. And I don't want that. I don't want recovery. I LOVE how I look and I can't wait to be even more beautiful when I am at my UGW. There is a lot that I hate about myself, but slowly I am learning to love different parts, but if I am fat again, the love will disappear. And I won't let that happen by letting go of my ED. Fuck that.

Anyway, after that LOVELY rant. Yesterdays intake was also a bit over at 650, because I caved and had TWO pudding cups. Gross. But it's still okay. I managed to not have anything other than the extra pudding cup. Today, I am having my coffee and yoghurt, then some beetroot for vitamins. Then soup for dins. Hopefully around 500. :) I have so much work to do. But anyway. Thanks for the lovely comments as always. You are all really amazing friends to me. MORE COCO!

Coco & Peace
Xo Xo


Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this. An eating disorder is so, so much more.

Ah, I look forward to skipping the hours obsessing over clothing until I find the exact outfit that makes me look the skinniest. I used to be there--everything used to look pretty good. I will be skinny, things will look good on me again. I agree with you so much.

Take care. <3

WinterA said...

The infamous pudding cups. I think that isn't so bad. Hopefully it is the one low in sugar.

I don't have a eating disorder( or so they tell me ) But I think I can understand what you are saying. I mean I know for me sometimes I save up calories for an event or I get in some extra exercise.

I have even gotten better at handling it around my husband. I think he finally noticed the weight I am losing and decided to back off.

Katie Elizabeth said...

Very well said sweetheart. I'm so happy for you that you are not comsumed and you are not obsessed. That's amazing. I can't wait until I am there. Much love.

Caroline said...

I have another problem - I love food, too much probably and I have unhealthy relationship with it. Either I'm eating nothing or everything. I wish I could be at my lowest weight again but I have no idea how I did it. Why is it so complicated?

Bella said...

I used to get the same thing with clothes. Now I feel like I can slip into anything and be beautiful (even exercise gear). Sometimes I feel guilty about how good I feel right now, because it's been damn hard for me and everyone around me, but I am. I don't feel I *need* to lose more weight, though it'd be nice. Sometimes I hate it (my ED, being underweight, health issues, yadayadayada) but not usually :)


Run said...

I backfire on comments too. Sometimes I just think I don't care much about it. About anything. Seriously, it's just a screw it sort of thing.
I don't spend hours on my clothes either and sometimes I am perfectly fine going into a supermarket for food. I was the same even at my worst. Sometimes I'm not fine but whatever.

I don't recovery either. I don't think I would even care if I was forced to recover. I know the chances of getting serious help takes so much time here that I barely even worry about it anymore because the likelyhood of me ever getting put in IP is really slim. Even if I was seriously underweight. But I also then see that as a challenge. Something to go up against and see what it takes to be in that situation. God, that sounds sick haha.

Tatyana said...

Thank you. That's what I've been trying to reach recently from my little head. That's how I've been working it out too and still am... just didn't know how to put it in words. Somehow it's like looking to the other side and making things more bearable or keeping the eating disorder under control - like not letting it affect on social life, work and so on. My friends come always before my ed.

Also the clothes, I got such a huge wardrobe that I can always find some "fatty" clothes that'll make me feel guilty but I know that to everyone else I look decent and cool. I just go out.

Happy day and enjoy life!!

Judith Marie said...

Another really interesting point my pretty lady. I'm the same as you, I don't hate this at all. And I've seen patients break down and say that it has ruined their lives and robbed them of everything. But this ED has given me everything that I have today.
The more weight I lose, the prettier I feel. I will never be beautiful, but that's because of my face, not because of my body. Hey, my body will be beautiful and that's close enough. I don't have trouble shopping, if I don't want it, I don't buy it, it's simple to me. As for the social life thing, well, I can go out, that's fine. I'll fast the next day and work out to make up for it. After all, the show goes on!
It's all about control isn't it. I can control myself in front of friends and family, I can do whatever it takes to keep this disorder with me.

Camille said...

I think once we've been so fucked up long enough, we just learn to be really good liars.

Kirsty said...

This is so true... everything looks good on skinny! xoxo