There is something that I have been thinking about for a while... and it is something that was brought to my consciousness most recently by Katie's Blog - so check it out. But I don't want to say too much about what Kate said, because quite frankly, me interpreting what she says in a post is just rude and also me explaining her struggles is not my story to tell. BUT anyway. My thoughts on an eating disorder is that it is just a manifestation of something else... like. A deeper problem. Also mentioned in Ruby's recent post. Anyway, so I know this. And as I mentioned a few posts ago, I think we do this to punish ourselves. But while for some people, they hate themselves no matter how much weight they lose. They hate how they look without the weight, they hate the disorder. And what's been on my mind, is that I really don't hate it. I don't feel like it adversely effects my life. I don't get freaked out by going to supermarkets and going out for dinner. Like I fake it really really well. Maybe it's because I know that in order to keep myself like this, I need to be able to fake it. So I can eat a meal with people at a restaurant or go to dinner with people and bullshit my way through it. I also don't get fussed about people noticing that I don't eat. Or telling people to piss off when they start telling me things. If people comment on me saying I never eat, I tell them that I'd be dead if I didn't eat. Like I fire back. Like, I don't give a shit if people think there is something wrong with me, because when it comes down to it, I love the way that I look way more than I EVER did when I was fat. I don't spend HOURS obsessing over my clothes when I get dressed looking which one makes my stomach look the flattest or stressing over muffin tops. I just put on clothes and even though I don't feel skinny enough, I know I am skinnier than most, so it is still fine. I HATED my body before and my ED has made more closer to beauty than I have ever been. And once I reach my UGW and I can see my bones. I will be even more beautiful. I think I am realistic also, because I know that I need to make sure I don't get too thin or they will put me in recovery or force me to eat. And I don't want that. I don't want recovery. I LOVE how I look and I can't wait to be even more beautiful when I am at my UGW. There is a lot that I hate about myself, but slowly I am learning to love different parts, but if I am fat again, the love will disappear. And I won't let that happen by letting go of my ED. Fuck that.
Anyway, after that LOVELY rant. Yesterdays intake was also a bit over at 650, because I caved and had TWO pudding cups. Gross. But it's still okay. I managed to not have anything other than the extra pudding cup. Today, I am having my coffee and yoghurt, then some beetroot for vitamins. Then soup for dins. Hopefully around 500. :) I have so much work to do. But anyway. Thanks for the lovely comments as always. You are all really amazing friends to me. MORE COCO!
Coco & Peace