I know I am meant to be eating more, but I was quite upset this morning, cuz my boy had an early meeting and messages didn't send, so I started freaking out for no reason and didn't want to eat. I honestly started a blog post this morning entitled: I don't deserve food. Like. I mean I understand that all of this is related. The need to punish ourselves. Which is why there are common treads between all of us - cutting, starving, binging, purging, laxies, excessive exercise, drugs, drink - I really do believe that for me. I believe it's because we don't think we are worth anything. So we punish. And if we do that, then maybe we will be worth more. And so, this morning, when I thought I had yet again done something to anger my boy, I punished. No food for you Piggy. You don't deserve to eat. I mean. Yes, okay I know that it's fucked up that I have such a complex about him hurting me, and I know that he is also a little fucked for hurting me. But I hurt him too. I hurt him by hurting myself. Because I know what that does to him.
I am having a bit of a dilemma at the moment, about the direction of my life. I need to make a decision about where I want to live. Etc etc. But I just can't seem to do that. I know that I want the freedom to move around. But all I can think about is going back to Cape Town, and not telling my family. I couldn't do that. Anyway. So I think I am staying in London for the summer and then up to Leeds when I start studying. I feel very confused by all this freedom. I am also. REALLY enjoying my job at the moment. WRiting... maybe something I was meant to do... Perhaps? I still need to get a scale. FUCK FUCK! Anyway. I will get one at the end of the month.
Fierce & Love