Saturday, May 19, 2012

The Need to Punish

I'm telling you guys, these things are fucken amazeballs. Petits Filous. Right so these things, if you're not aware are these little yoghurt pot thingys made for children. And they are 50g servings. The yoghurt is actually fromage frais... which is kinda cheese, I promise, it takes just like yoghurt though. And it is SUPER rich and creamy. And only 47 cals in a pot. THEN there are the 50g pudding cups, which are amazing. Like proper proper fucking awesome. They are 75 cals per pot, but it's chocolate pudding or vanilla pudding. TOTALLY FUCKEN AWESOME. So today, I have pretty much only had coffee with honey and milk, two pudding cups and one yoghurt cup. So my total for today is around 350. Honey is super full of calories, but I don't mind. It's below 500 so no freaking out.

I know I am meant to be eating more, but I was quite upset this morning, cuz my boy had an early meeting and messages didn't send, so I started freaking out for no reason and didn't want to eat. I honestly started a blog post this morning entitled: I don't deserve food. Like. I mean I understand that all of this is related. The need to punish ourselves. Which is why there are common treads between all of us - cutting, starving, binging, purging, laxies, excessive exercise, drugs, drink - I really do believe that for me. I believe it's because we don't think we are worth anything. So we punish. And if we do that, then maybe we will be worth more. And so, this morning, when I thought I had yet again done something to anger my boy, I punished. No food for you Piggy. You don't deserve to eat. I mean. Yes, okay I know that it's fucked up that I have such a complex about him hurting me, and I know that he is also a little fucked for hurting me. But I hurt him too. I hurt him by hurting myself. Because I know what that does to him. It's how all of this ED shit got so out of hand  And then... at the end of the day. I can't let him go. We have issues to work through. We both do. And one day once we have sorted out all the shit, real people have real issues. We are stronger for it. Gawd. Okay, I know I don't have to explain myself. People don't understand. I don't understand. I don't think either of us do actually. I think it's just blinding love. I can't see myself spending my life with anyone else. SHUT UP PIGGY. Jesus, seriously dudes. I will fucking stop these love rants I SWEAR.

I am having a bit of a dilemma at the moment, about the direction of my life. I need to make a decision about where I want to live. Etc etc. But I just can't seem to do that. I know that I want the freedom to move around. But all I can think about is going back to Cape Town, and not telling my family. I couldn't do that. Anyway. So I think I am staying in London for the summer and then up to Leeds when I start studying. I feel very confused by all this freedom. I am also. REALLY enjoying my job at the moment. WRiting... maybe something I was meant to do... Perhaps? I still need to get a scale. FUCK FUCK! Anyway. I will get one at the end of the month.

Fierce & Love
Xo Xo

6 comments:

Katie Elizabeth said...

I told myself no food this morning. Past 6pm here and still haven't ate. I'm punishing myself for the peanut butter I ate last night. That shit will be the death of me I swear. Keep your head up sweetheart.
XOXO

Alice said...

I can't explain how much I love what you wrote in the middle paragraph. So incredibly true and I'm just gonna give it an amen. Hope you can figure out everything soon! Good luck<3

ruby-tuesday said...

I agree. My drug addiction and eating disorder were definitely partly about punishment and feeling I didn't deserve food or to be happy because deep down I believe that I'm a bad person.
Love your blog,

Much lovexxx

Tatyana said...

I told myself that thing too... then mom came and all got fucked up and I ate three muffins for my hunger - so not how I planned this. But punishment, that's what it is and the binging too. Amen to that.

Freedom then again, I know how confusing it can be. Just the feeling that you get to breathe fresher air and worry over nothing it's just amazing. Enjoy and let the answer come to you about where you'll be.

Beth said...

Sorry you are having such a hard time there, babe. THAT picture would make for an awesome tat.

❤ ♥ Sam [Misha] Lupin ❥ ❣ said...

babe, the minuet you said fromage frais i was all like "CHEESE." Gosh, so those years of French did or did not pay off?
God, babe. i am a happy little piece of spazz but even i don't believe i deserve any fucking thing.
let's see what goes on then, sweetheart. <3
and that. picture. is. famazing.
Beth is right. that would be a faweomse tat.
-George DiCaprio