So apparently, my 'eating disorder' - I still question whether or not I have this, as I really don't think there is anything wrong with me - is more akin to Bulimia than Ana. HOW FUCKING WEIRD IS THAT? Because I don't purge/abuse laxatives. I thought this meant that I couldn't possibly be bulimic. I know, definitely knew, that whatever my weird eating habits are, it definitely isn't anorexia, because I'm not even thin, let alone thin enough for ana. ANYWAY, so I was reading proanaonline.com last night and my cycle of binging and fasting is actually a bulimia vibe. WEIRD!!! Because for the past two months, I have been binging and fasting. Binging and fasting. Binging and fasting. I stopped restricting a while back - the 500 a day vibe, because I found that I liked fasting better. AND NOW. Wow. Anyway, so that's my little nugget of info for today.
I binged yesterday after a two day fast. I had a huge late, a sandwich with lettuce, tomato and cream cheese, two chicken schnitzel breasts and some pasta stuff (360), so I think I had about 1000 cals. I haven't eaten much today, I mean fuck okay. SO OTHER NEWS - I have been dropped from the fashion show on the 30th, but pretty resolute that I am going to change agencies. Because this one just isn't promoting me. SO, gonna cancel my shit with them on Monday. SO after finding this out, obviously in a fucking god awful mood when I got home. I then got invited round to the neighbour for a drink and I nibbled on some snacky things, but definitely less than 200. SOO I have had 200 cals today. Going to try keep it under 500. Wow, I feel like 300 cals for today is actually quite a little feast I get to look forward to... hmmm. OO I totally want soup!
Back to the mia vibe, I obviously don't think I am bulimic, I just thought it was interesting that I am more symptomatic of that than any other eating disorder. I am defo's not ana and I don't like EDNOS as something that defines me, because well... Anyone with a weird eating habit could be EDNOS, so maybe EDNOS is just a catch all. I dunno. I am just serious about being skinny. That's all. Maybe I am a tiny bit eating disordered, but whatever - who isn't.
I was watching a bunch of ED related youtube videos yesterday. WOWOWOWOW amazing thinspo. I hope I don't get forced into recovery. But then, I don't think I will ever get bad enough to need it. AND ALSO, I think it's really fucked up, but I do expect to gain all the weight back. In other words, I expect, like with most things, to fail miserably.
WOW this has turned into a fuck depressing post of note. Wha'evs. I have a headache. I feel like some coffeee.... hmmmm... If anyone has any good links or anything to share, please can you send them to me.
Peace, Love & Courage