Monday, November 21, 2011

My New Little VERY FUCKED UP Game

I have very little to say tonight, I'm afraid. I planned on fasting today. Which I kinda did. OKAY let's confess quick, a fast is not a proper water fast for me. It ALWAYS has coffee and tea. ALWAYS! And okay diet soda. Because, like I can't go without coffee or tea for a day. So my intake will always include a little bit of calories from milk and coffee. So last night I made Mr enchiladas for dinner. I made myself mushrooms with chilli and garlic - no tortilla or cheese or anything. THEN I had a tablespoon of guacomole (which was only mushed up avocado, nothing else) and a tablespoon of low fat smooth cottage cheese. And I ate that. This morning, not only did I wake up at 63.2 (2lbs/1kg heavier than yesterday), I also had a stomach like a fucking preggers person! WTF! So today, I was like FUCK THAT you fat little bitch - fast. But then, my brother trotted in with a box of homemade chocolate chip cookies - not like huge or anything - probably about 2'' diametre and I just snatched one like a fucking little piggy. I swear I grabbed it and shoved it in my mouth before I even knew what I was doing. It was insane. Anyway, so I haven't eaten anything else today, and I FUCKING WON'T! Going to bed soon anyway...

So my new little fucked game that I play. My boyfriend upsets me a lot. Because he is very inconsiderate. And my new thing is trying to get my own back. NOW, I realise I have a pretty fucked up relationship with him, but suffice to say that he isn't happy despite my best intentions - so I'm waiting out the 'festive' season and then we will be parting ways. BUT we haven't broken up yet. It's a messed up situation. But what I do is use the ED stuff to freak him out a bit. He is pretty terrified of saying anything to me about it, despite the fact that he does 'know' about it. Either he doesn't care, doesn't believe me, doesn't think it's an issue or doesn't want to hassle me about it - for whatever reason he shuts up about it. But I know it pisses him off when I don't eat or skip meals. So lately what I have been doing is using that to irritate him. This evening for example, he has had a rubbish stressed day and I fell asleep (because unlike him, I don't sleep at night very well) and he just left. Not only did he just go out without telling me or inviting me - he also said he had 'tried to wake me', I was still conscious when he left, but I wasn't gonna stop him - he did NOTHING OF THE SORT. Fuck him. Anyway. So when he got back he asked if I wanted dinner. So I told him - oh no I had a cookie this afternoon, so I'm fasting till Friday (not true... well maybe I will). So he freaked out. I giggled. Before, he asked me why I wouldn't eat if I was hungry - I told him that he isn't the only one that is allowed to punish me. And you know, I trully do feel that way. He punishes me for things I do. And not horrible things. Like falling asleep today. Or talking too much. Anyway, not important for right now. But that is my new stupid fucking game. And you know, it does kind of amuse me.

In other news, I am starting as a hostess at a very awesome restaurant which I used to work at on Friday. I can't wait. I used to be a waiter, which sucked because you aren't the beautiful one at the front. I was the grubby one covered in soy sauce. Not anymore. So i get to get dressed up to go to work. It is going to be awesome. Then as soon as I get paid - blonde hair and tattoo. Will post a pic - promise. SO I need to restrict/fast like a ninja this week so I'm super skinny for Friday. Hopefully will have broken 60 by then. Because I'm sure there is at least 2lbs of food weight in me right now. NEED TO RID MYSELF OF THIS FUCKING ASSNESS IMMEDIATELY. But I don't purge. Whatever. Fruit? I really want to try a few days of raw, but I need milk in my coffee man. AND coffee for that matter. Do you get raw coffee?

What a ramble.

Love & Sunshine
Xo Xo


Beth said...

I know what you mean about punishing yourself with food I do it too. And in a way I almost think this all started to punish myself and those around me. Yes it is a slightly fucked up game. But trust me your not the only one. Not by a long shot. And I'm here for you <3

miss alisha said...

Hmm, so you liquid fasted. But I can see why you woke up heavier and bloated: your body stored EVERY calorie you took it and...(tmi) since you didnt eat anything, you couldn't poop out whatever is in there. I'm sure that'll go away in a day or two. Fasting is weird like that.

Girl, things are not going well with that bf of yours, from what you've posted here! I think it's better if you break up with him now, instead of putting it off until after the "festive season" because clearly you're both very annoyed with each other. At least tell each other that you need a little break from the relationship to figure things out. It seems like your relationship is dysfunctional. I think a break would put things into perspective for you.

Good luck with the hostess job! That'll be so fun, being the sexy one at the front, greeting everyone who comes in! That'll be even more motivation to be healthy!
Take care, love.

brightday*b said...

I'm on a liquids/veggies/fruit diet for the next 5 days. I've been eating every carb in sight and not been to the gym in a month. But hoping it will help. I'm sure your fast will, stay strong and be disciplined. Think how much it will piss your bf off. He shouldn't be punishing you, so he deserves a little bit of his own medicine! Lots of love xxx

Anonymous said...

That boyfriend sounds messed up. Maybe things are just rough right now but I don't know... I would defiantly drop him if it were me. Then again... I've also been known to play screwed up games with the men I hang around (actually, just the one lol). Whatever you decide know we've got your back!

SkinnyNinny said...

agree with Miss Alisha, if he doesn't make u happy, move along! That's always been my attitude with men and it has served me very well. Good luck girly!

By All Means said...

When I fast I usually just drink water and instead of diet soda I drink the flavored seltzer waters so I get the carbonation I'm craving. Im just not a coffee fan, but I do still drink tea, and even sometimes soup broth to make it seem like Im eating dinner to my family. So I know im getting some calories, but its no where near what you would usually be getting. Im sorry things are still so messed up with him though!

take care girl!

the outside in to thin said...

I love both those pictures!

A.beautiful.mess said...

I'm a zombie if I don't have any coffee in the morning. It's so bad how the lack of coffee affects me.

I feel like I sometimes play games with people in my life, like I'm testing their loyalty to me.

I would give you advice on the boyfriend but I've been single my whole life. So any advice I have, you probably wouldn't really want lol.