Monday, November 28, 2011


Yesterday I took a bottle of pills and now I'm lying here in the hospital. I just couldn't anymore. It was actually very logical and sane - the process. But the flaw was taking paracetemol. Because it takes about 16 hours to kill you. Next time narcotics all the way. So the ex and sister brought me here. And now I'm under psychiatric observation because this was the second attempt. It hasn't changed anything and I just feel worse. I still want to die. But with every attempt I am learning new things I guess. When the ER doctor asked me how much I weighed, I proudly and non chalantly said "60" CUZ ITS TRUE! Anyway but since I got here they have been pumping me full of glucose. So probably going to look like a whale when I leave here. I have a new idol: Freddy Mercury. He seems just as mad as me. *sigh* I wish he would just love me again. No matter what I do he never will. :( Despair & Loneliness Xo Xo


Anonymous said...

:( you're never alone darling <3 Please hang in there and try to take care of yourself. I hope things brighten for you <3 You've always got us to back you up.

désespérée de maigrir said...

You're not alone. What can we do to help you?

Your.Guardian.Angel said...

Don't ever think that you're alone, gorgeous. When you hit rock bottom, the only way to go from there is up. Keep your chin up, you can do this.

Sam Lupin said...

Dear FP/K,

every word is like a mantra engraved in my soul. i read the first sentence twice. no, three times.
i look at the title once more, and just hope that it's a TV series. my heart is sinking. my stomach flips. the coffee i've drunken is much too sweet and feel heavily weighed by sleep and softly whispering "why did you do this to yourself, love?" already.
my heart thumps harder. 16 hours. 16 hours to death and we have lost you, my feathery wonder.
religiously speaking, i am sure God wanted you on this Earth if two tries did not success. i wish i can pump all of my faith into you with IV. my stomach hurts right now and i cannot think. i feel like purging but i cannot because you would not have wanted me to. i am compelled to fall asleep. i am destroyed out of emotions right now. numb as i am, i feel coldness sweep through me silently.
it kills me that you are not tangibly here, in front of me, for me to hold you, for me to breathe into your heart and pulse it with life that i long to give you.
my heart hurts. "with every attempt, i learn new things". had it been me, my love, you would have never... i suppose i am too faithful to God, too religious, to even consider the mere aspect of killing myself. i think to myself, God wanted me on this Earth for a reason, he bought me here and he will take me away, but not all of us can be as insanely religious as i am.
i wish i can be him for just one moment, to hold you and tell you all these things that i say now. i now from different people, the same words have different effects, as J's words puncture through me, he does to you. and it kills me that i cannot prevent it from happening.
sleep well. please, hang in there, please, be strong. please, stay alive for my sake, because it kills me on the inside thinking that such a beautiful, smart, intelligent woman would hurt herself so badly with those bastards not noticing a damn thing. fuck them. fuck them all.

i...i have no words, but i have written a story. i hope you're better now, more rested. i hope you smile today.

love, forever and always, as we are bound by thoughts,

Bella said...

Darling girl, you are never really alone. I can't say that I understand what you feel like, 'cause I have never been in exactly that place.
But 3 years ago, my dad tried the same thing, just with much stronger pills. He regretted the moment he had taken them, so he called my mom, who then called an ambulance. It was some of the worst days of my life when he was in that hospital, and I don't even like him. I can imagine what your family must feel like, and believe me, they're hurting. They're carring for you. Please try to listen to them love.

I really really hope you decide against yourself, 'cause I really do care about you! And I know how little that means, comming from a person you don't even know, never will know. I'm wishing the best for you, and sending you lots of thoughts and love!

Stay strong girl. You are so much stronger than you realize <3

A.beautiful.mess said...

It sounds like a cliche but I know how you feel. Today I found a website that tells you how to kill yourself, the certainty and all that stuff.

It's the most difficult thing to live sometimes. You just want the pain to stop. You want to stop feeling the way you do.

But you have to stay strong, stay alive for the good moments. You and me are going to get through this. I feel so vain bringing myself into this post but the only reason I do is becausew all the stuff I wrote is advice I should be taking myself.

I just wish it wasn't so hard sometimes.

I'm glad you're okay. If you need anything,let me know. Ie text, phone call etc.

By All Means said...

Oh honey your never alone! We're all here and we all care so much about you! Keep hanging on, things will get better! Your such a strong amazing girl <33333

Atty said...

Oh Piggy :'(

I'm sorry if that sounds lame but I just can't put how I feel in words.
Please feel better

Love, Atty

RachaelxxStaYSTroNg said...

I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to magically fix your situation. You deserve to live. Don't deprive yourself of the experiences you will have later on. I hope everything gets better and if you ever need someone I'm here. <3 hang in there

Judith Marie said...

Oh Fat Piggy,
Firstly, I think you should know that I hate calling you fat piggy, because you're not. You're my beautiful lady. So let me start over.

Oh Beautiful Lady,
I saw the fat blonde bird again today. And as I ran past her those words entered my mind again as they always do. "Run fat bird, run." But I cannot. My heart is much too heavy.

I slow to a jog and to a walk and I drag my feet through the 8km track because I know that if you were here, you'd want me to finish.

There are a million thoughts that race across my mind, all of them for you. There's nothing I wouldn't give to be there with you, holding your hand, hugging you, making sure the people treating you are doing it properly. They might be doctors like me, but they don't know you like I do. They've not shared your triumphs and tears. I should be the one treating you.

I know I've never met you, or seen your smiling face, but you mean so much to me. The world needs you in it. You might not believe that, but you have to believe this, MY world needs you in it.

What would I do without your kind words, your limitless support, your sharp wit and acerbic tongue? There are days when I thought I'd hit rock bottom, but your comment on my blog will make me smile. I wish I could be there to ease your pain somehow, as you've done for me.

I've said this many times in my career "thank god for paracetamol". I've said it to myself, I've said it to friends and colleagues and patients. But I've never meant it quite like this. Thank God for paracetamol. If it weren't for paracetamol, you might have been carried away from me.

I'm not religious like Sam, I cannot send you God's love. I cannot tell you anything about him because I don't know. But I can tell you about me. I need you in this world. Beautiful Lady, I'm not good for much, but whatever goodness is within me, whatever grace, whatever love is in my heart, I send it to you. You need some love right now. Too many people have left me, please don't join that list.

And so the tears come to me. I don't cry for much Beautiful Lady, but I'm crying for you right now. I understand your pain, but I can't face the pain of losing you.

I'm glad you're in hospital, I'm glad you're under psychiatric hold. While you are there, your heart still beats with mine. You might not like it, but it makes me feel vaguely safer. I shan't sleep tonight, I will be thinking of you.

Goodness, grace and love,
Judith Marie.

Kitty said...

Oh my.. I just started reading your blog and got updated on the last few posts.

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time, and that things are bad.

I just wanted to let you know that I will keep you in my mind .- and will send all good in your way.

Hang in there -


Christina said...

I've never read your blog before but I was brought here through Judith Marie's blog.

Even though we've never communicated I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you. I've sat in that same bed thinking that I should have done it another way and that I had failed myself. Reading this post brought tears to my eyes because no one ever deserves to feel so alone that they wish to take their own life. I can see here that everyone loves you dearly and you would be madly missed if you were to leave us. Try and draw strength from our love so you can get back on your feet.

I'm sending you all the love I can and wishing you all the best. I'll be thinking of you.


abbifa said...

I wish I had something beautiful and profound to say here but right now I just don't have the words, eveyones elses comments have said them for me,

I wish I could take your pain so you don't have to feel it anymore, I wish I could take all the hurtful and negative thoughts you hold in your head and replace them with kindness and love towards yourself.

You are not alone as long as you are here. we may not be able to hold your hand in ours, or embrace you in a tender hug. but we can read your words, your thoughts, your feelings and we can listen. we are here, now, and always.

"so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that when you close your eyes I fall asleep"


lulani said...

oh honey. sending virtual hugs your way, I don't have anything fancy to say, I'm not far from where you are. Call me, text me, email me, whatever you need, i'm here