Just a quick one, because I need to study - my exam is in 5 hours. And I want to get some last minute cramming in before then, although I'm feeling okay about it. Then again, law school - you just don't know.
To answer some of the comments on my last blog. I don't care whether this relationship ends if I am honest. I love him with all my heart and I won't be okay for a long time, but it has come to a point where I can't change how he feels, I can only work on myself, my behaviours, my attitude. And if he comes around and decides he still loves me - that is great. But if he doesn't, then I will be okay. Since our 'break up' last week, he loves me, he hates me, he wants me around, he doesn't want to touch me, then he wants to cuddle and kiss and pretend it's fine. I don't know if it's real. I don't know if it's fake. I don't know what is going on with him. What I do know, is that I need to look after myself and if I am not a priority in his life, then why should he be a priority in mine. I can only do so much. So, it's really that I don't care. It's just at a point now where what will happen, will happen. I am not going to beat myself up over trying to change his feelings. If he doesn't love me enough to try work it out, then I'm not sticking with a man who wants out. I've been a door mat and an emotional punching bag. I AM his emotional punching bag. No more. Come what may, I will be okay.
So I failed at the fasting yesterday and had a couple crackers (200 cals) and then a bowl of egg fried rice with veggies - I know. No idea how many cals. But I'm pretty sure I was still under 1000. Which is FUCK high, but better than 1500. Amazingly when I weighed myself this morning I have lost just over 1lb. Which is fine. So a loss is a loss and today will be a maybe 500 cal day. I am spending time with the boy tonight for the first time in almost a week. Will see how it goes there.
Just a quick interesting thing that my friend told me last night. There are things in life that you cannot change and then there are things you can. Instead of concentrating your energy on the things you can't change - how people feel about you, how others see you etc - focus on the things you can change. Your attitude, your behaviour, your feelings. And if you do this then you will be more capable of changing yourself for the better. I made a list of things I will change. Including of course 128 by December. So 9lbs by then. Some short term and long term goals. Including getting my ass to england. I am trying to convince my sister to come with me. I hope she decides to.
And I shall post pics of myself when I get to 132. I'm not pretty I promise, I'm quite average looking. I will also post a link to the commercial I was in when it comes out :) Thanks for the support. AND WELCOME to my new followers. I fucken think you guys are A-FUCKING-MAZING! Oh and the boy is going away for 5 - 7 days soon. So the challenge for those dates is going to be a five day fast. If anyone is keen. I will post the dates when I know them, but it will start on the 11th more or less. I thought we could do a three day fast leading up to the five dayer. So much for a SHORT post.
Peace & Positivity