Thursday, November 3, 2011

Positive Attitude

Just a quick one, because I need to study - my exam is in 5 hours. And I want to get some last minute cramming in before then, although I'm feeling okay about it. Then again, law school - you just don't know.

To answer some of the comments on my last blog. I don't care whether this relationship ends if I am honest. I love him with all my heart and I won't be okay for a long time, but it has come to a point where I can't change how he feels, I can only work on myself, my behaviours, my attitude. And if he comes around and decides he still loves me - that is great. But if he doesn't, then I will be okay. Since our 'break up' last week, he loves me, he hates me, he wants me around, he doesn't want to touch me, then he wants to cuddle and kiss and pretend it's fine. I don't know if it's real. I don't know if it's fake. I don't know what is going on with him. What I do know, is that I need to look after myself and if I am not a priority in his life, then why should he be a priority in mine. I can only do so much. So, it's really that I don't care. It's just at a point now where what will happen, will happen. I am not going to beat myself up over trying to change his feelings. If he doesn't love me enough to try work it out, then I'm not sticking with a man who wants out. I've been a door mat and an emotional punching bag. I AM his emotional punching bag. No more. Come what may, I will be okay.

So I failed at the fasting yesterday and had a couple crackers (200 cals) and then a bowl of egg fried rice with veggies - I know. No idea how many cals. But I'm pretty sure I was still under 1000. Which is FUCK high, but better than 1500. Amazingly when I weighed myself this morning I have lost just over 1lb. Which is fine. So a loss is a loss and today will be a maybe 500 cal day. I am spending time with the boy tonight for the first time in almost a week. Will see how it goes there.

Just a quick interesting thing that my friend told me last night. There are things in life that you cannot change and then there are things you can. Instead of concentrating your energy on the things you can't change - how people feel about you, how others see you etc - focus on the things you can change. Your attitude, your behaviour, your feelings. And if you do this then you will be more capable of changing yourself for the better. I made a list of things I will change. Including of course 128 by December. So 9lbs by then. Some short term and long term goals. Including getting my ass to england. I am trying to convince my sister to come with me. I hope she decides to.

And I shall post pics of myself when I get to 132. I'm not pretty I promise, I'm quite average looking. I will also post a link to the commercial I was in when it comes out :) Thanks for the support. AND WELCOME to my new followers. I fucken think you guys are A-FUCKING-MAZING! Oh and the boy is going away for 5 - 7 days soon. So the challenge for those dates is going to be a five day fast. If anyone is keen. I will post the dates when I know them, but it will start on the 11th more or less. I thought we could do a three day fast leading up to the five dayer. So much for a SHORT post.

Peace & Positivity
Xo Xo


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry about your relationship, but so happy about your whole stance on it. Good for you! Maybe you should be the one to decide some day soon "Naw I'm over this, and just be the one to leave." But if not, you are still doing very well! Good on ya!

I would love to see your transformation photos! Put up old ones too if you want and then it will show the change!! I am fasting every monday to friday until christmas, so I will definitely be joining you on your fast (I will even try if it is over the weekend :)
So let me know :) :)

A.beautiful.mess said...

I'm sorry about your relationship - I hope you can get through it despite your boyfriend blowing hot and cold cause I know from experience that only makes it harder.

Law school? It seems we're both involved in law. I would high five you but I don't know if ppl celebrate being in law haha.

Your friend's advice is really good. It's so good in theory but in practice it is so difficult. I have a similar saying and I find it so difficult to do. I want to have some form of control.

SkinnyNinny said...

good luck on your exam!!Chin up lovely things will turn out fine either way. And definitely post the link for the commercial, it sounds cool!

Judith Marie said...

What your friend says is totally true, and what you say about your relationship is true also. You shouldn't be in a relationship if you put him first but he won't put you first. But come what may.
How long have you been with him?
And congrats on the loss!

Haley said...

Focusing your energy on things that you can change instead of things you can't?? That needs to be my new personal mantra. Congrats on the loss and good luck on your exam!


Anonymous said...

Total effin sad face... I love you babe. Hang in there and good job on your loss!!

lulani said...

Love your friend's stance on attitude, it reminds me of this quote :

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ...
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes