So as always when it comes to reaching a goal weight, I had a little binge last night... okay who am I kidding... it was epic. It's funny, but now if I binge it doesn't continue for days at a time. When I woke up this morning I was through with it... okay I mean. Let's be honest, we always want to binge, but the willpower was back again. And besides whatever, I think I earned a little binge. Today I have had about 900 cals. Which isn't great, but a few things should be noted about that intake. Firstly, it is very probably an overestimation, because I don't know exactly how much of what I ate, I ate. You know? I had sorbet for breakfast and when I put it in my calorie counter is said 900 calories and I freaked out. But as it turns out I put in grams not ml, so actually I only had half. Then I had a little bit of pasta with some tomato sauce on it. And tea. So it's around 900. Then, I am also really confused about how much I should be eating now that I am trying to maintain. I can see myself going through phases of binging and starving. So like... a binge every three days. God. My new goal is 114lbs/52kgs. But in reality, because I don't want to go lower than that (my doctor will kill me) i am going to stay between 114 and 121. So I'm giving myself room. I can't go below 114 (BMI: 16.8) and 121 (BMI 17.8). If I can stay there, I will be happy. So I think i need to lose another 3kgs and then work out from there. I just can't go over 55kgs. It's such a lovely round number you know? I am so pissed though that I can't see my chest bones. Thigh gap, got it. Ribs, got it. Where are my chest bones!? Goddammit, I know I can't have it all, but seriously. Chest bones!! Fucking assbags.
In other news, I sat on my floor today and cried for about an hour, because I am stressing so badly about my site launching on Monday and my ex is not doing anything to calm my nerves. Coco is hard at work trying to keep it together, but occasionally Piggy creeps through. My main source of anxiety is that he has pretty much let me down on every promise he has ever made to me, so why would my site be any different? Although he swears it's on track. And if it weren't for Coco, the things I'd say to him. Like the number of times I have written to him telling him not to disappoint me like he has for our whole relationship is like... a lot. And that's Piggy talking. Because that is showing the hurt. Coco then calmly deletes the message before sending it. I am not showing the hurt. He will not upset me. Coco is making sure of that. Coco is there saying 'no don't cause an issue, don't rock the boat, just let it go.' I'm so grateful for Coco.
Ice Cream & Strawberries