Saturday, July 14, 2012

Fishpaste.

So as always when it comes to reaching a goal weight, I had a little binge last night... okay who am I kidding... it was epic. It's funny, but now if I binge it doesn't continue for days at a time. When I woke up this morning I was through with it... okay I mean. Let's be honest, we always want to binge, but the willpower was back again. And besides whatever, I think I earned a little binge. Today I have had about 900 cals. Which isn't great, but a few things should be noted about that intake. Firstly, it is very probably an overestimation, because I don't know exactly how much of what I ate, I ate. You know? I had sorbet for breakfast and when I put it in my calorie counter is said 900 calories and I freaked out. But as it turns out I put in grams not ml, so actually I only had half. Then I had a little bit of pasta with some tomato sauce on it. And tea. So it's around 900. Then, I am also really confused about how much I should be eating now that I am trying to maintain. I can see myself going through phases of binging and starving. So like... a binge every three days. God. My new goal is 114lbs/52kgs. But in reality, because I don't want to go lower than that (my doctor will kill me) i am going to stay between 114 and 121. So I'm giving myself room. I can't go below 114 (BMI: 16.8) and 121 (BMI 17.8). If I can stay there, I will be happy. So I think i need to lose another 3kgs and then work out from there. I just can't go over 55kgs. It's such a lovely round number you know? I am so pissed though that I can't see my chest bones. Thigh gap, got it. Ribs, got it. Where are my chest bones!? Goddammit, I know I can't have it all, but seriously. Chest bones!! Fucking assbags.

In other news, I sat on my floor today and cried for about an hour, because I am stressing so badly about my site launching on Monday and my ex is not doing anything to calm my nerves. Coco is hard at work trying to keep it together, but occasionally Piggy creeps through. My main source of anxiety is that he has pretty much let me down on every promise he has ever made to me, so why would my site be any different? Although he swears it's on track. And if it weren't for Coco, the things I'd say to him. Like the number of times I have written to him telling him not to disappoint me like he has for our whole relationship is like... a lot. And that's Piggy talking. Because that is showing the hurt. Coco then calmly deletes the message before sending it. I am not showing the hurt. He will not upset me. Coco is making sure of that. Coco is there saying 'no don't cause an issue, don't rock the boat, just let it go.' I'm so grateful for Coco.

Ice Cream & Strawberries
Xo Xo

9 comments:

**Lara** said...

God 55kg is such an amazing beautiful number..I also never really understood how to maintain weight when you reach your goals...anyway reading your posts, you achieved a lot...so you give me hope and inspiration for myself.

PS When its about your ex..always listen to Coco..she knows how to handle it ;)

Gabrielle said...

Hey hun.
As for maintenance - I think, if you can get back to eating 800-1200 calories/day, that's ideal for a maintenance intake, but if your metabolism can't handle that, try slowly increasing the numbers until you get there. Bingeing and starving will maintain but in a more emotionally tumultuous way. If you're after stability, go with the gradual increase :)
Also - look at you, all skinny with your ribs and thigh gap, I'm jealous :) Will you be posting pictures any time soon? I remember how thin you looked at 59, I'm sure you look absolutely tiny now :D
Lots of love - also, I think I need to get me a Coco :P
xxxxxx

Lady Jane said...

Wow, you're doing great. So what about the binge. I hope you feel better.

enhle said...

Thigh gap...I'd do anything for one of those,omg!I'm jealous seems like everything is working out for u weight wise. And as for your ex don't stress too much,I don't think he'll let you down cause this is a professional thing he has to deliver.don't stress all will be well on monday!!! I absolutely adore coco she's such a strong person,let her deal with the ex...all the best with maitenance!!!

Victoria Way said...

Everyone binges sometimes, it's bound to happen sooner or later. Heck, yesterday I had a binge on taco salad. So. Much. Taco. Salad. Tomorrow is a new day and you can focus on that fact :) I bet you're tiny now though! Good job!
As for maintenance, anywhere between 800-1,200 calories is probably what you need. I have a MFP account and it said that I would still lose weight eating 1,200 {even though I try to avoid that} so you'll have to see what works for you :)

Bones said...

Don't get too down about the binge. You hit UGW. that's big. I'm sure you're lovely, just as I know you are through your posts. xx

Butterfly Unfolding said...

Congratulations, I'm so pleased for you. Don't fret about the binge. I'd say maybe maintain this weight for a month or so before you decide for sure whether or not you want to lose more.

Take care of you.

xxx

LoliClown said...

Everyone binges from time to time, it's very hard not to, so don't beat yourself up about it. I'm sure you'll hit yor target in no time! :)

WinterA said...

Wow I find that so interesting that you were able to get the thigh gap and ribs but no chest bones. Man that does suck. I wonder if you get to the 114 will they appear. I would be find with just the gap and ribs but that is just me :-)

God bless Coco compared to my other Desire( finally remembered her darn name ) Desire would have let him finish the project but then would have torn his ass a new hole. She can be unforgiving and down right scary at times.

Your binge is sooo not bad. I admire how you binged but still managed to stay under 1000 cals. I believe you have great eating habits that one could learn from.( not the bad just the good if that makes any sense )

Yeah I can end up sometimes binging for days until I get sick of food. If I hit any kind of goal most of the time that binge is right around the freakin corner 0_o

Love you girl, keep your head and keep moving forward you are doing great! You too Coco.