Thursday, July 19, 2012

Want some truth?

You know... I'm 25. I'm not 'old' I know that... and i have done things with my life... But my bff sent me this picture of us at a club taken about two years ago... I look at those pics and I don't see myself. It's like looking at a picture of a stranger. I can't identify with anything to do with myself before my parents divorce. Which was when I was about 21 and then shit went down. hill. from there. I tried to kill myself. Moved out of home after a riproaring argument with my mother. Drugs, booze, men. It's just such a strange feeling. I don't see myself in all of my photographs. All I have is the fucked upness that seems to have taken over my life. But I guess the thing is that I wouldn't change it. I'm thin. Which is nice :) Intellectually, I don't think I have ever been stronger. I am independent and I know what it is like to hurt. And to work your way through the hurt. Come out on the other side. On my last blog. I got a comment. "What would coco do?" You know. I literally was like 'mutha fucker. you are right! What WOULD Coco do?' So Coco isn't letting me sit around being sad and mopey. I am slowly coming to terms with my situation with my ex and my site, which is still not done. I am hoping for it over the weekend. I also have realised that it taking a little bit longer isn't the end of the world, so I'm trying to take a breathe.

Accepting the things that we cannot change, the strength to change those which we can and the serenity to know the difference. We have all heard these words. I can't change that my site isn't done, or that my piece o' shit ex doesn't love me - these things are out of my hands. But I can knuckle down and do the work that I can affect and not let this stupid shit make me so mad. When I was in hospital last year, I vowed to live without fear. And so far, I have kinda done that. It's time.

I am also about to show you something a little scary for me. This is what I looked like before... Here guys, have some truth. Such a fat ugly piggy.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo



12 comments:

Miranda said...

How awesome to be able to look back and reflect on how far you have come. Your BF is letting you down again...which is just a reminder of why you broke up with him and that it was the right choice. I hope the sight gets done soon.

annamaria said...

don't beat yourself down like that. everyone has low moments, and surely everyone around here has difficult and low months or even years.
you are a very strong person, don't think that this photo of you can change that. all I see in this picture is a huge smile and two smiling eyes!
that's gold, I hope you still got those smiling eyes dear :)

stay strong

clytie said...

Looking at the past only to see how much you've changed and for the better is the best way to reflect. You have made so much progress that moving forward is going to be kick ass for you. Life's what you make it, and you''re just improving it every day.

Finally Perfection said...

You're amazing. I agree with AnnaMaria - smiles all around :) Hope you're still smiling. Your ex is being a complete idiot, let Coco deal with him. Thank you for being such an inspiration - we can see how strong you are, keep smiling and illegitimi non carborundum :) x

Enhle said...

Isn't it wonderful looking back and seeing how far you've come,in this picture u look happy but I bet u are even more happier now because of all your hard work and the spirit of never giving up. Thanks for being such an inspiration sweety,and don't let your ex mess things up for u all will be well let CoC0 jump in...thanks for everything all the best!!!

Sam said...

I'm sad that to get to this great person you are you had to go through heavy struggles, but you did and now you are right, you are the better for it. You have accomplished so much and are a amazingly strong person. Don't let anyone or anything drag you down. Good luck with the site.

Sam

Anonymous said...

Sweetie don't let weight define you. I have been reading your blogs for the past few days. No matter what size you are or were you're an awesome, beautiful, amazing person. Just know you have a fan in the states, and I can't wait to see what great things you will accomplish.

WinterA said...

I wasn't sure it was bad or good that you do not recongize yourself. I would be happy because I have always wanted that. A true complete transformation.

I hope I did not miss your point at all. Gotta love Coco, her and Desire should chill sometime hehehe ^_^

the outside in to thin said...

coco strikes back ;)
take a breath - you deserve it
xx

Emily Anonymous said...

The girl in that picture looks beautiful! She seems friendly and happy. I haven't seen photos of you recently so I can't really comment on how much you've changed looks-wise, but no matter what body you're in I think you have enough luck: clear skin, shiny hair, no wrinkles, stuff like that... to look beautiful.

Little Miss Thin ♥ said...

I'm not sure if it's good or bad that you don't see yourself there, but either way, that is a beautiful photograph. You have a wonderful smile. <3 xx

MLB said...

you're gorgeous!