Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I disappointed myself.

Yes, I really did. Besides the binge fest that happened on Sunday, spilling over into today - which can be remedied by a couple days of fasting - which is happening as of 5pm Monday till 5pm Wednesday. I will be having tea though. Because I cannot work without tea. Anyway, so besides this disgusting eating which has certainly fucked up my whole beautiful thin BMI - again, I am confident that two days of fasting followed by some nice restricting will fix that. The disappointing thing is twofold. Firstly, i was feeling a little sorry for myself so I drank two bottles of wine. And yes, I got F.U.C.K.E.D up. And proceeded to annoy the boy for hours on end... and I cut. It felt so good, but it's the first time in... four months or so that I have cut and I stupidly cut on my arm. My forearm, so now that's going to be fun explaining. Stupid Piggy. I thought I was okay. And the way I did it was also really stupid, the boy and I got into a fight which I don't remember what about because I was too drunk and I grabbed a knife and started slashing. SO idiotic. I know that I do it to make myself feel better, but I also know i do it to hurt him. I will tell him about it if I want to hurt him... it's so fucked up. It's not bad cuts, more like deep scratches. I don't know what's wrong with me. Anyway, so I'm very disappointed with myself. Fuck sakes. I'm very disappointed that I got fucked up wasted ass drunk. I need to go to AA. It started off with one bottle and then the very edge of memory of last night recalls going to the offlicense to get another bottle. I was fucken wasted already but it wasn't enough. I needed more. I was downing the wine in huge gulps because I wanted the feeling of being drunk and unconcerned. I needed it. it's almost very tragic. I guess... my life is a little tragic.

Drink & Drunk
Xo Xo


Tatyana said...

Hugs <3
I always wonder why on earth these things come and bite us when we thought that they're gone for good. Good that those aren't bad cuts and sorry for the fight and whine. But there's no such a problem in the world that tea couldn't fix, right?

Step at the time sweetie <3

WinterA said...

Awwwwww*hugs* everything is going to be okay.

You are a fighter and I know you are going to drop that weight again in no time. I know for me it's like I always tend to binge( not on purpose though ) soon as I reach a new low number which is a pain in the ass.

We all have things that we do that makes us feel better when we are down. I am not going to even say what mine is. But I use to cut and it is hard to stop. It feels so good and then the pain lingers. Oh yeah miss that feeling sometimes.

As for the boy I wonder what happened? I hope everything will be okay. He should know you by now and should understand I hope.

Stephanie Ray-leigh said...

I know how you feel... I think If I was old enough to buy my own alcohol I would be drunk most days and poor. Well, poorer.
I'm sorry you cut, I'm back at that too right now.
Aish, life is an annoyingly mysterious thing.
I'm sending you mental hugs<3