Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Falling Apart

After almost ten years - I cut. It took me a solid half hour to unearth the blades, but I cut. Just a couple little ones on my hip.

I have an exam tomorrow, which I know I have to get to. I just want to finish these exams then take a bottle of pills and get it over and mutha fucken done with. Someone asked me the other day what I wanted out of life. And the best answer I could come up with was: Death. Quite frankly, the only thing I have really really wanted in the last three years is to die. I thought maybe I could kill myself after my exams... Only thing is that then my cat would stay with him and I don't want him to have my cat. I am growing to resent him and I can see that the resentment is going to turn into hate. WHAT AM I DOING!?

Yesterday I fasted until I got home from the library at 11pm and then I had some tomato chickpea, kidney bean olive stuff with the tiniest amount of pasta. I felt like I need to be alert for my exam. So I ate. It wasn't a lot. But no surprise, I haven't lost today, so today shall also be a fast day, except no eating after the library. After dinner last night I had a small glass of milk to drink and for some reason he got mad with me - I don't know what it was about but it seemed as if it was the milk. So now, fine. If he doesn't want me to have anything, then I fucking won't. Fuck you.

He is also having dinner with his ex and her gf on Thursday and guess who isn't invited again. I feel like I'm this fat porcelain doll that he has on a shelf and he takes me down to play sometimes but while I'm on the shelf I have to stay there. And we live together. Which makes it worse. It was going so well, and then friday and now it's all fucked up again. I don't know what to do. Cut. That was the solution this morning.

I dunno...

Oh and thanks for the comments everyone. I appreciate the support. We are strong. We just have to remember it, because sometimes I think we forget.

Strength & Courage
Xo Xo


Sam Lupin said...

even though i should be taking absence from blogger world for even just a bit as due to me being sick and not getting better - at all. never. ever - i decided to hop on for just a bit whilst waiting for C.
a lot of you girlies had a history with cutting and that made me cringe, even if just a bit. every time someone mentions the word "cut" in a blog entry, i feel my heart somehow close up.
:( my baby. truly, i hope you feel better. that is such a dark thought that i would not want anyone to muster. i will fly with the birds, and would paint the skies in every shade of colour you give me if it is to make you feel any different.
that sounds delicious. for once, i have no appetite and people are making me eat but somehow, you girls make me want FOOD - just...i don't know what. xD.
oh. C here. still going to continue this comment i suppose.
whose this bastard? can i smash him in? you guys need guys like C. really. a country-boy of pure and utter role-playing brilliance! never mad, and always sweet. <3
damn idiot. damn fucking idiot. must kill him. must kill him!
<3 i love you, darling. please do take care of yourself.
in love, paintings, and collages,
Sam Lupin.

brightday*b said...

Oh love! *Big cuddles*

Don't you think it's odd that you are waiting until the exams are over? That they must mean something to you? I guess that I'm trying to get you to really ask what you are still living for? I know that feeling of wanting to die...of being perfectly happy with the idea of just not existing anymore. But I also have to be honest. I do have things to live for. Small, insignificant things to others, but actually they are important to me. Like how my amazing mum, who wouldn't live without me, like my boyfriend who cries every time my 'eating' comes up, like seeing difference in myself when I've been to the gym, like sparkly things, and cats, and sunflowers, and foamy banana sweets and even the control of my disordered life means so much to me. Does that make sense? Some of those things are kinda shitty, but there is so much good (intention) behind them, so much positivity and hope, you just have to look at them the right way.
So i guess you need to ask yourself to look at the things that mean something to you in a positive way. You deserve to still exist, there are things to still exist for, those moments of happiness, of pride and hope and goodness, so don't let yourself think its ok to not to.

Lots of love xxx

Cryotaneko said...

I feel your pain, love. I have always felt like all I was living for was to die. I want to reach perfection, but that takes, in my opinion, more than just being skinny. I want to see my bones, have a career, everything. I work very hard to make my boyfriend happy, but this "pro-ana stuff", as he calls it, makes him upset. But he's still here for me.

I hope you'll be able to get past this part in your life. Things like this do happen. And no, I'm not happy that you cut, but i honestly have no where to talk right now. But I understand the relief that comes from, when you have no control, that you can control the pain you cause to yourself.

I hope you have a great day, I really do. And feel more than free to message me if you need anyone to talk to. I'm always here to help. That's what ana sisters are for :3 xoxo

Alice said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. :( I know (more or less) how you feel about living just so you can die, not really wanting anything more but death.

I'm sure you have something to live for, to hold on for. Even if it's just your cat or something that others wouldn't consider very important. You deserve to live. You deserve to be happy.

Stay strong. <3

Jessie. said...

Wait, sorry, who is this boy?
Sounds like he needs a nice slap across the face; you deserve all he can give you and more.
We are all strong, including you. You just have to hold on, it has to and will get better.

< 3

the outside in to thin said...

Aw baby you should not be so harsh. The world needs you and we need you. Sometimes we do forget. .. But it doesn't take long and we can remember again. We can remember that no matter what people have done to us there are still people who love us. Look at these comments from these beautiful people they love you. Please darling take care of yourself. Xx

lulani said...

I'm sorry you're feeling crappy, I've been there the past couple weeks. Stay strong! you are beautiful!!!

Teena said...

Hey, Just hang in there and try to keep on going i know how you feel and I still have the urge to do that I just cant bring myself to.