After almost ten years - I cut. It took me a solid half hour to unearth the blades, but I cut. Just a couple little ones on my hip.
I have an exam tomorrow, which I know I have to get to. I just want to finish these exams then take a bottle of pills and get it over and mutha fucken done with. Someone asked me the other day what I wanted out of life. And the best answer I could come up with was: Death. Quite frankly, the only thing I have really really wanted in the last three years is to die. I thought maybe I could kill myself after my exams... Only thing is that then my cat would stay with him and I don't want him to have my cat. I am growing to resent him and I can see that the resentment is going to turn into hate. WHAT AM I DOING!?
Yesterday I fasted until I got home from the library at 11pm and then I had some tomato chickpea, kidney bean olive stuff with the tiniest amount of pasta. I felt like I need to be alert for my exam. So I ate. It wasn't a lot. But no surprise, I haven't lost today, so today shall also be a fast day, except no eating after the library. After dinner last night I had a small glass of milk to drink and for some reason he got mad with me - I don't know what it was about but it seemed as if it was the milk. So now, fine. If he doesn't want me to have anything, then I fucking won't. Fuck you.
He is also having dinner with his ex and her gf on Thursday and guess who isn't invited again. I feel like I'm this fat porcelain doll that he has on a shelf and he takes me down to play sometimes but while I'm on the shelf I have to stay there. And we live together. Which makes it worse. It was going so well, and then friday and now it's all fucked up again. I don't know what to do. Cut. That was the solution this morning.
Oh and thanks for the comments everyone. I appreciate the support. We are strong. We just have to remember it, because sometimes I think we forget.
Strength & Courage