Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Last Few Days...


So basically my life has gone to shit and back in the last few days. On Friday, I fasted, NOT because I wanted to, but because I could not literally eat. The boy and I had a sit down chat about how he isn't in love with me anymore. So I am going to move out, actually I am going to move to England. Unless I get funding for my next degree, then I will do that and then fuck off to London. Which frankly, I am really excited about. And honestly, I am not all that sad that my relationship is failing - I haven't been happy in a while. Basically where we are though is "working on it." I'm trying to change some things about myself that he has issue with - for example apparently my opinionated-ness is seen as bitchy and I have no imagination - apparently. Fuck me, I moved to London to be an artist - and I have no imagination - okay.

So Friday night I went out with my sister and cried and got absolutely hammered ass anihilated drunk and cut myself to pieces. My torso looks like I have been attacked. Criss crossed cuts up and down my fat ass stomach. And a couple on my arm. The next afternoon, the boy and I had a shower together and he saw them. I don't care - what is he gonna do - dump me!? Wha'eva.

So yesterday was spent just spending time together and trying to remember why exactly we are dating each other. The thing is though, that I don't like the person I have become with him and if I can try go back to how I was in the beginning then maybe I will be okay and this relationship will survive. I don't think he is worth killing myself over though. The thought of him with someone else nauseates me.

Yesterday, I ate a lot. Today, I haven't eaten yet but I am going to get some chinese or something yummy. I don't care. BUT, exciting news - I have been booked for an advertisement - for a beer commercial. I am not sure if it is print or tv commercial, but I'm stoked. I am also probably a background extra and the shoot is 13 hours long and quite a drive out of town. But who cares!? WOOHOO for commercial. So I am going to fast tomorrow. Don't want to be fat on the job.

Yes, my life is a bit crap at the moment. But c'est la vie. Cut cut, drink drink - woowoo ... andddd sleep.

Thanks for all the comments.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo


brightday*b said...

Don't stand for a man who says he doesn't love you one minute and then 'tries to work it out' the next. I had that with my ex - there was just residual affection for each other, so while we still lived together (after he broke up with me), we still slept together and it made the whole break much less clean and much more stressful. It sounds like a good plan, to finish your degree and get to England, it sounds like you moving your life forward. I'm in Scotland, you should come here!!! :D Big hugs for the tears and cuts - I know its easy to say that you shouldn't let him affect you so much, but sometimes emotions aren't that easy...and your heart and cuts will heal, just be patient with them.
Lots of love xxx

Sam Lupin said...

ew. donkey balls are horrid.
You cut yourself to pieces? :c that's horrid, baby. horrid. i wish i can glue you back together with my love and adoration for you.
eat to your heart's content, love. you don't need to focus on eating when you've got all of that shit up piling up against you. and punch him in the face. or i will.
c'est la vie, truthfully. nobody has a perfect life. *sigh* i just wish yours was better than it is right now. <3

love you, my dear.
-George DiCaprio

Dear Prudence said...

I know it's hard. But after a white you'll feel better. Sometimes it's better to break up, and face the new reality. I know it, because few months ago I havd such situation with my fiance. Today we're married, but then I thought it's the end. Now we're married. I'm not saying you'll be together. But everything influences our life. And it helps us making choices.

Judith Marie said...

Wow, hun, you TOTALLY deserve someone better than that! Is it worth working on even? If the relationship has run its course then so be it, you're better off without a guy like that. Go to London, be a kick ass artist, get a gorgeous English fella and be happy!
Do you love him? Or are you guys just used to being together? Sometimes 'working on it' just prolongs a messy break up.
Also, WOOOO!!!! about the ad! That's AWESOME. So exciting!
Love ya lots, you're gonna look soooo thin on this ad!

abbifa said...

oh hun, so sorry things aren't good with you and your boyfriend. I won't give you advise on this as I don't think I could be helpfull, and it would be unfair as I don't know much about your relationship. I don't have a very good relationship with myself so other people confuse the hell out of me!!

And sorry that you felt you had to cut, but that is something I DO understand. I started to cut at 14 after 4 years of using other methods of self harm and 14 years on i'm still using it to cope with life and having to live inside my fucked up head. when the urge comes, sometimes the only thing to do is get on with it.

If you do come over to not so sunny England then your welcome to visit me down in Devon, it is beautiful down here. sometimes I find myself looking around and it's like i'm seeing it for the first time, truely spoilt.

stay strong miss piggy in every sense


Beth said...

Come to london! It sucks when like throws shit at you. But you my love can throw the shit straight back at life. Do whatever you want. If theres nothing tying you down, there is nothing to hold you back. If its any consolation, there must be something if he wants to work on it.
Try not to hurt yourself, I know its hard when you feel shit and down and like nothing else will help. Just be as careful as you can be.
Much love <3

By All Means said...

Thank you darling, and I'm sorry for your break up as well. I agree, so many promises made and words said. Make us fall in love only to leave...saying shit when they know their gonna leave! I'm always here to talk as well! Keep your head held high and follow your goals, we'll both be happy in the end without them!

lulani said...

I'm so sorry for all this BS you're dealing with :( There's something about a man that you are used to.....I've been there and done that. Good news is once you are away from him you can begin to heal both in body and spirit (voice of experience here :) ) especially in London, How exciting!!! Oh and congrats on the commercial, That is the best news I've heard from ya !! Good luck with it,

Stay strong,