Friday, October 14, 2011

The Naked Truth

 Naked thinspo - my newest brain child. Which got me to thinking - I really can't stand looking at myself naked. Firstly, (and yes, I'm diving right in here) vaginas are not the most attractive things to look at, only because of that little fat pad that sits directly above. I mean who decided that. I once went through a list with my boyfriend of all the things I'd change if plastic surgery didn't leave scars. And there really wasn't much. I mean my calves down would stay, my forearms and... that's it. Being naked is pretty much a reminder of the failure to be skinny... Failure of willpower I guess. Or that my thighs are still flabby, my stomach looks like I just had a baby, I'm too pale, etc etc. It goes on and on. I guess the key to
recovery for people would be to be able to stand in front of a mirror and not hate what you see. But it's not just weight - it's the colour of my teeth or my freckles, my lips are too thin, my feet look like Charlie Brown feet. Imperfections, imperfections, imperfections - will you ever go away. By chasing perfection, we can attain excellence. But if you can't even attain excellence, you will just chase perfection. MAYBE because the weight is such a drastic drop, the skin doesn't have time to bounce back so quickly, so after a little while of being that weight, the skin will follow suit. Also, an idea of what I look like - my body type is pretty much exactly like Agnes Dynnes - boyish, very small breasts. And you
know, I like small breasts. I think big/fake ones look ... unattractive. I don't like cleavage. I want to look like a board from the side, okay maybe with a little ass, because let's face it - big flat flabby pale ass isn't attractive. I think everyone has their own opinion of breasts. But mine, is that they should be small. I hate my nipples though, I think they are too big, but according to my boy, they're not. Fuck, I dunno. It's not like I look at boobs much you know?

I started working at that restaurant last night and it was me with five boys, who were in their varying degrees of cute. This one though (I nicknamed him Monster) was really really nice. He has the same name as my ex who had a rampant coke problem, so let's just say I found it difficult to call him by that name. So anyway, Monster looks just like this friend of mine, sounds the same and he is so very very sweet. I think I definitely made a friend there. It's nice to start at a place for once and not be looking to hook up with the cute people that work there. And I'm not gonna lie, I looked cute. I had a black tshirty type thing on, but it had a collar round the back of the neck, so it was fashionable (NOT a golf shirt - sis) and black leggings, and I know I have a reasonably nice ass. The key I find is to make the boys think you are hot, then the respect and friendship will follow, so I was bending over a lot. Fuck, I sound so arrogant. I'm not - promise. Anyway, then I had minimal make up, because my skin is quite porcelain-like, so a little mascara, a hint of blush and a bit of gloss goes a long way, with my hair in a low side ponytail. It looked cute. :) Although, I am a mild germaphobe, so I was busting out my hand sanitiser every couple minutes. Anyway, but there was this boy, who looked like a 70's tennis player (long hair with headband, shorts, teeshirt, converse with white socks pulled up, not entirely bad looking) who was incapable of saying please and thank you. Look I know we aren't trying to win any Miss Congeniality awards here, but my mother taught me manners. Gonna have to groom that one. I am obstinate at the best of times. Try me mutha fucker!

In other news, I had a bit of a hungover binge yesterday before I went to work. I had a can of tuna, a piece of carrot cake, pasta with cheese on it and an enchilada. Yeah, not proud. But then I did also not eat from 3pm yesterday. Starting a fast for today. Gonna try not to eat till about 8pm. That's a 29 hour fast. I can totally do this. Although, I am CHUGGING down coffee right now. I am sitting on my couch right now, and I knew that I needed to put the coffee on, but to get up and do it - ahhhhh. So then I did get up only to find we are out of coffee. But then my boy came home with a new bag o' beans. Stoked to say the least. And then he put the pot on. So. Yay.

Just also wanted to say a quick thank you to all the people that read and comment on my blog. Means the world to me. Couple of points though on all the comments. First, I'm not really a bitch. I am actually really nice, most things I say are dripping with sarcasm, so it's a nice bitchy... if that's possible. Also, this is nothing that I wouldn't say to people faces. I hate pretentious, two-faced people and about three years ago, I decided I was never going to say things about people that I wouldn't say to their faces. I guess unless it was unnecessarily hurtful. Like the Dinosaur in my class, her taste is shoes is mutha fuckin' AWFUL, but hey I dress like a hobo sometimes, so who am I to judge really. But stick insect with no soul - I'm looking for a fight. Fuck sakes.

A quick aside, my boy just walked downstairs to tell me why Microsoft "fucking sucks" something about HDMI cables... or something. It went something like this "I need this dude, to plug into that guy, but you can't so you have to buy the cable..." Then went upstairs where the cat had appropriated his computer chair, so then he started singing to the cat whilst he booted him off. Ah, my darling.

Anyway, also my kissing all those boys. I haven't slept with a fraction of them. I can still count the boys on two hands... okay three. Whatevs. Still, I'm 24 - not that bad! My gay bff and I used to go to a lot of frat-type parties. And I'd be the bargain for a drink. I.e. buy me a drink and you can kiss my friend. So I'd make out with four/five boys in a night. This went on for most of my undergrad degree, so four years of hard partying and the numbers add up. I was also single for all of that time... well most. It's only in the last year that I have been in committed relationships really. But because This Is Africa, HIV is a big ass deal, so people don't really sleep around here. Kissing around is totally fine. And also, my city is such an incestuous little place that you will get a rep for whoring around. When I was 21, I made out with an 18 year old. That was a low point for me. "Is it desperate or is it empowering? Well, is he older than 18? Yes. EMPOWERING! "

I also forgot to mention Eric Clapton in my obsessed music category. I feel like he was unfairly omitted. I'll stop now.

Love, Respect, Happiness, Courage, Strength, Skinny Lattes, Hope & Peace
Happy Friday Lovely Ladies & William
Xo Xo


abbifa said...

thanks for your comment, we do seem to have so many things in common. Love that you hate liking lillies because your mum likes them hehe, I hate carnations but purly for the fact they are my mums fav! Yeah I'm english, i'm devonian. grew up in dartmouth thyen at 19 moved to kingsbridge about 15 miles away, far enough that I don't have to see the family everyday but can visit easy enough when I want to. Wow africa, which part? Ashamed to say i'v never been london, well kinda but was only there few hours for a concert when I was 15 so don't think it really counts.

I totally get the naked thing, I tried to look at myself this morning but found that rather than looking at myself as a whole, I broke myself up into sections and criticised each in turn whilst at the same time grabbing and scratching at all the fat places I don't to be there. the whole exercise hurt both physically and emotionally and is not to be repeated till i've lost another 10lb at least


p.s I've had both big boobs and small and small are by far better (despite the fact that mine now sag after loosing the weight, in a similar way to my stomach-horrible overhang I just want to slice off)

Anonymous said...

My boobs do what they want. Some days I can't squeeze myself into mybra without my boobs jst floating around in there. Other days I look down and I am thinking, "Whoa!! are these MINE!?" I don't know hy they do that.

If I had to chose, I would chose smaller boobs.

SkinnyNinny said...

My boobs seem to have a mind of their own as well. I do wish they were smaller. Not small, just not so damn big. I find it hard to look at myself in the mirror too. I actually find myself avoiding full length mirrors quite often.

Shrinking Violet said...

Yeah being naked in front of the mirror is not easy, but I'm sure when your bf sees you naked he doesn't see all those things you don't like. That's the nice thing about a good boyfriend, cuz trust I've dated a complete a-hole before who didn't hesitate to point out my flaws and agree with me if I said I didn't like my butt etc. I like my boobs small too, but not too small cuz I love wearing cute bras. I don't think you're bitchy at all, just calling it like it is.

Sam Lupin said...

when i'm naked...i'm no way. xD
oh! i thought i only had that fat pad above! GAH!
i also love extremely small breasts. i have like...34B's and i think they're too big.
i also want to look like a board. very... androgynous! a proper George. <3
Monster? xD
that's a new one!
*grumbles* George disapproves of this man. getting ass-candy whilst i sit here planning out diets!
i love you. i really do.
now leave Monster. and the boyfriend. and come to me. xD. we all want you it seems!
i actually have to eat today. even if i was trying to restrict- it wouldn't work. fridays can be so traumatic.
i never thought of that! i know your type of bitchy-nice. i quite find it amusing and a little attractive if anything.
Eric Clapton...I only know him for tears in heaven actually.
I want a Skinny Latte.
Or ten laxatives and a good night's sleep for the next year.

Sincerely yours,
Your secret lover - George DiCaprio

A.beautiful.mess said...

fat patch above the vagina - hahaha that was hilarious and so damn true.

I can't look at myself naked, the most I can do is bra and underwear.

I use hand sanitizer because I have seen too many people walk out a bathroom without washing their hands - gross!!

And yeah Africa, people can get super touchy about how many people you sleep with. ALthough 300 men is a super impressive number - wow. I think that deserves a slow clap ;)