Naked thinspo - my newest brain child. Which got me to thinking - I really can't stand looking at myself naked. Firstly, (and yes, I'm diving right in here) vaginas are not the most attractive things to look at, only because of that little fat pad that sits directly above. I mean who decided that. I once went through a list with my boyfriend of all the things I'd change if plastic surgery didn't leave scars. And there really wasn't much. I mean my calves down would stay, my forearms and... that's it. Being naked is pretty much a reminder of the failure to be skinny... Failure of willpower I guess. Or that my thighs are still flabby, my stomach looks like I just had a baby, I'm too pale, etc etc. It goes on and on. I guess the key to
recovery for people would be to be able to stand in front of a mirror and not hate what you see. But it's not just weight - it's the colour of my teeth or my freckles, my lips are too thin, my feet look like Charlie Brown feet. Imperfections, imperfections, imperfections - will you ever go away. By chasing perfection, we can attain excellence. But if you can't even attain excellence, you will just chase perfection. MAYBE because the weight is such a drastic drop, the skin doesn't have time to bounce back so quickly, so after a little while of being that weight, the skin will follow suit. Also, an idea of what I look like - my body type is pretty much exactly like Agnes Dynnes - boyish, very small breasts. And you
know, I like small breasts. I think big/fake ones look ... unattractive. I don't like cleavage. I want to look like a board from the side, okay maybe with a little ass, because let's face it - big flat flabby pale ass isn't attractive. I think everyone has their own opinion of breasts. But mine, is that they should be small. I hate my nipples though, I think they are too big, but according to my boy, they're not. Fuck, I dunno. It's not like I look at boobs much you know?
In other news, I had a bit of a hungover binge yesterday before I went to work. I had a can of tuna, a piece of carrot cake, pasta with cheese on it and an enchilada. Yeah, not proud. But then I did also not eat from 3pm yesterday. Starting a fast for today. Gonna try not to eat till about 8pm. That's a 29 hour fast. I can totally do this. Although, I am CHUGGING down coffee right now. I am sitting on my couch right now, and I knew that I needed to put the coffee on, but to get up and do it - ahhhhh. So then I did get up only to find we are out of coffee. But then my boy came home with a new bag o' beans. Stoked to say the least. And then he put the pot on. So. Yay.
A quick aside, my boy just walked downstairs to tell me why Microsoft "fucking sucks" something about HDMI cables... or something. It went something like this "I need this dude, to plug into that guy, but you can't so you have to buy the cable..." Then went upstairs where the cat had appropriated his computer chair, so then he started singing to the cat whilst he booted him off. Ah, my darling.
Anyway, also my kissing all those boys. I haven't slept with a fraction of them. I can still count the boys on two hands... okay three. Whatevs. Still, I'm 24 - not that bad! My gay bff and I used to go to a lot of frat-type parties. And I'd be the bargain for a drink. I.e. buy me a drink and you can kiss my friend. So I'd make out with four/five boys in a night. This went on for most of my undergrad degree, so four years of hard partying and the numbers add up. I was also single for all of that time... well most. It's only in the last year that I have been in committed relationships really. But because This Is Africa, HIV is a big ass deal, so people don't really sleep around here. Kissing around is totally fine. And also, my city is such an incestuous little place that you will get a rep for whoring around. When I was 21, I made out with an 18 year old. That was a low point for me. "Is it desperate or is it empowering? Well, is he older than 18? Yes. EMPOWERING! "
I also forgot to mention Eric Clapton in my obsessed music category. I feel like he was unfairly omitted. I'll stop now.
Love, Respect, Happiness, Courage, Strength, Skinny Lattes, Hope & Peace
Happy Friday Lovely Ladies & William